he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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