I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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