you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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