Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
