I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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