I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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