For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
