i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
