What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
