My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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