You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
