Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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