you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
