got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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