shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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