What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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