i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
