So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
