Hey man sorry I got all grabby
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize