Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Drake has all the answers
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
