ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
