i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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