Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize