i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
