I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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