Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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