That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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