Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
