my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
