I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
