he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
