Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
