the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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