"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
