I cut my penus on the lid.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
