I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
