I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
