She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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