I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize