She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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