You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
