One girl and one boy is just not enough.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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