i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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