I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
