i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
