i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
