Already got asked if we're dating
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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