I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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