the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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