Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Success! We fucked roommates!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
