just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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