drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
