I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
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