My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
