i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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