eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I had to cum in my sink.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
