i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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