where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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