I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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