I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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